Do you get pulled into the argument vortex or the reasoning vortex? — Ryan Wexelblatt (ADHD Dude)

[𝘐 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘹𝘵 𝘣𝘺 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘶𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘐 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘭𝘰𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘐 𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 “𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘱𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘈𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘢”. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘺 𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘴 𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘢 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘺. 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘴𝘺𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘥𝘶𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘴𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘭 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘶𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 “𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘴” 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘬𝘦𝘱𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘤𝘶𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘬𝘪𝘥’𝘴 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳𝘴, 𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘥𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘣𝘶𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘰𝘳𝘴. “𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘳𝘰𝘱 𝘮𝘺 𝘬𝘪𝘥 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘵’𝘴 𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘹 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘯 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺” 𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦. 𝘖𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘐 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘪𝘯 1998 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘣𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘶𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘦.]

Greg was a 15 year old 9th grader with an impulsive ADHD profile. His parents came to me after going through a series of therapists in the area who they sought out to help Greg change his problematic behaviors. Greg’s parents had minimal involvement in therapy, not because they were disengaged but because they were rarely asked to participate by the therapists Greg worked with. My sense was that the previous therapists were “parent pleasers”.

Greg had a propensity to be emotionally reactive when he had limits placed on him. He was incredibly skilled at pulling his mother into the 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘹 and equally skilled at pulling his father into the 𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘶𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘹. This caused tension in his parent’s relationship.

During one meeting with Greg and his mother I witnessed her getting pulled into the reasoning vortex. As she was trying to reason with Greg I asked her if I could interrupt for a moment to say something. “𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵’𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘺. 𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘖.𝘒. 𝘪𝘧 𝘎𝘳𝘦𝘨 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯.”

I met with Greg’s father and asked him if he was aware how he got pulled into the argument vortex with Greg. He said he did and part of the reason for this was because he felt the need to be firm with Greg in order to compensate for his wife, because he felt that Greg could easily manipulate her with “Mom guilt” to get what he wants. (He was accurate in regards to this.) I asked him if getting pulled into the argument vortex with Greg was possibly the way Greg would manipulate him to have some limits placed on him (which his wife struggled with). My sense of Greg was he was looking for limits, despite the fact he appeared that he didn’t want them.

Greg’s parents were not doing anything wrong, rather they got pulled into a very common dynamic in families of kids with ADHD. I asked them to subtly make each other aware of when this was happening so they could disengage from reinforcing these behaviors with Greg.

💡𝗗𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗴𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝘂𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗱 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗴𝘂𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝘃𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗲𝘅 𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘃𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗲𝘅?

👉𝗥𝗮𝗶𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗚𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁 𝗗𝘂𝗱𝗲𝘀, 𝗺𝘆 𝗯𝗲𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗸𝗶𝗱𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗 𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴. 𝗣𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗮𝗱𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗔𝗗𝗛𝗗 𝗗𝘂𝗱𝗲 𝗺𝗮𝗶𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗶𝗼𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗿𝗲𝗴𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: https://www.subscribepage.com/adhddude